Monday, September 19, 2005
I had an epiphany today at work: whenever something makes me angry, get coldly efficient at whatever task I need to accomplish. I see to it, get it done, but without any emotional entanglements involved. So why can't I do this in concern to writing? I see very clearly that writing is a business, but I can't seem to get in synch with my unembittered knowledge of the cold, hard facts and my sometimes repressed dreamer side. I don't mean to say that I want to write merely excellently written books--because I hate reading excellently written books. They always seem to lack a heart--but being able to sit down, plot a novel in an exciting, yet publishable way, and not agonize over anything. Everything is clear-cut.
It's my own fault, I know and now that I've recognized it, I am going to work desperately hard to change this. Getting my first yearly evaluation, only getting a forty cent raise and then having to borrow money from a payday loans place because my family and I are living paycheck to paycheck is forcing me to quit playing around, quit playing coy and sticking my thumb in my mouth when it comes to doing what I have to do. I want to restart my old hobby/job as a webdesigner--meaning that I must create a business plan for a loan. I want to become published by at least this time next year--meaning that I must sit down and plot this book out, diligently research and write it, and write it again. I want to finally get my driver's liscence--meaning that first I must study the Driver's Handbook, get my permit and learn how to drive. I want to learn how to draft patterns of the fashion sketches that litter my bedroom--meaning that I must either take classes or teach myself through a book. A few other things round out my list, but those are the wants I've been nudging to the side for a while for want of saddling new responsibilities that go with striving to achieve goals. But I need to harness that cold efficiency and use it for my own benefit instead of channeling it into things that need to be let go.
Reads for the day:
78 Reasons Why Your Book May Never Be Published and 14 Reasons Why It Just Might
The Forest for the Trees: An Editor's Advice to Writers
i can be. anything.
19.9.05
